My Self Imposed Normal

A Life Lesson from the COVID-19 Pandemic

I heard a podcast today about what people miss the most and can’t wait to be able to do again after the pandemic. They were talking about getting “back to normal” and lives where they traveled and regularly went to movies and restaurants with friends and family. It made me realize I haven’t felt as impacted as others when under shelter-in-place and social distancing; that was already my self-imposed normal.

I have always been more comfortable staying away from people, and being forced to by a deadly virus felt comfortable. I didn’t have to face my lifelong fear of being around people. But was that a good thing? Hearing this conversation about “returning to normal,” I realized that I’ve lost sight of how empty my life is because I’ve chosen to social distance. What a gut-wrenching discovery!

Growing up in an environment where I was taught to worry more about what others think than what I feel, I developed a fear of being around people and being judged by them. As a child, I was made to feel like I was never going to be accepted by normal people. I didn’t do anything right as a kid, or so I believed.

Not that I’ve sheltered myself like a hermit all my life, but by thirty I was pretty sure I would spend the rest of it alone. I always wanted to be a mom and decided to be a single parent, admittedly in some ways so I didn’t have to be alone. 

I have learned to be strong and fight my fears, so I built a career and raised a child, and dealt with all the socializing that goes with that. But I’ve always been much happier being home alone and not having to worry about who is judging me. Somewhere along the way I convinced myself I don’t need people, I can be happy all alone. But it’s not true, and I don’t think it is true for any of us.

Then along came Covid-19, and all my feelings of social inadequacy became small and irrelevant. Now I want to be someone who joins a group and makes new friends. I want to regularly travel, go to movies, and eat out with others… not by myself.

Now that I am in my fifties and I look back at those negative messages I was programmed with, I realize they spiraled me into a life where I’ve felt awkward in group settings and got nervous having to talk to someone whether I know them or not. Even family can intimidate me. I have never been able to defend myself or confront others because that wouldn’t be acceptable. I have let myself be emotionally handicapped by those messages from my childhood, and I’m probably not alone.

I’ve spent my life believing everyone is watching me. And how self-centered is that? We all want to fit in. We all want to be liked. 

I no longer believe everyone’s worried about what other people are wearing or doing, as much as they’re worried about what they themselves are feeling and how being judged by others is making them feel.

I believe these are feelings that many people have endured, especially if they grew up in a dysfunctional family. But in a society where the media tends to make us feel as though we are not enough, I don’t think it takes a dysfunctional family to lead someone to self-imposed social distancing. For some, that may be all they really want out of life. But for me, being forced to social distance has helped me realize I don’t want to impose this on myself anymore. Being part of a society and a network of others is part of being human. And I like that about us!

I’ve moved past that inner voice that came from a mother who demanded I be acceptable. I’ve stopped listening to my negative thoughts and started telling myself “I am enough.”

The problem with being a loner is that everyone leaves you alone. So on my list of good things that have come out of the Covid-19 pandemic is that I want to live a more fulfilling life where I build relationships and go to events with friends. A life where people won’t leave me alone. I don’t want to shut people out. I want them to call me and invite me to places because they find me an open and interesting person. It will take change, and changing who we are and how people see us is never easy, but I now know how important this change will be for me.